Tag Archives: mental health

Mother Nature…

Let your rain pour all over me…

as I let her soak into my every pore…

drench me in every ounce of…you…

wash away my tears…tears of yesterday and tears of today…

wash it…take it…all away…

quench my thirst of just being one with…

laying on the saturated grass barefooted and all…

laying as mother nature does her thing…

covet me…

engulfing me…feelings…ignite my senses …electrifying my nerves…

I WANT MORE…

my mind…my body…my spirit…my soul…my all… has been touched

JUST LET ME SOAK IT UP…

you can feel deep within… softness like a rose…piercing like needles…

quite enough as she speaks to you…all who wants to listen…

pay attention…

feel her sensation of just being…

once you lay with her…let her rain on you…

you will never be the same…a change that can’t and never will be explained …

just experience it…

you will look forward…to her…

Mother Nature Rain…

Plunge Me In…

Plunge me in the river Jordan….

Baptize , Submerge me in the depths of all its faiths …That has been before me…

All love…No hate…

Lets get out of this ill state…We are all in…

Lift me up cleanse me from the filth …Lift me out of the hate of our worlds fate…

Take my clothes off my back…Take all my belongings…

Take what you need from me..take it all…burn it…

Nothing left to hide…Nothing left to bare …And I don’t fucking care…

Fire intensifies …Hair on my arms are burning …

You took everything even the ones I had on…

You pushed me…Into the flames…

It’s just me…My soul…

Close your eyes …Tell me what you see…

Touch my body…What do you feel…

Touch my chest…Do you feel it beating?…

Like a Phoenix rises from its ashes…

I rise again…

 

 

 

*Picture from Google….

 

 

 

Die Devil Die…

Just as you plan your day and feel ok all hell breaks loose as I fall to your bed and crumble in a ball your brain overloaded…. sensors going off as I just want to jump off….Don’t get to close to the edge…. I just might… .take a leap a leap of faith maybe today maybe tomorrow all of this sorrow all this pain will fade away as I pray to take it away…As I sit and wait to get on the sea saw of life it all starts again….. like Satan with an evil grin ..I return while you are awake I return as you try to sleep with evil laughter he states I won’t give you breaks only give you possibility of more than you can take… again evil nights evil days same time same place…. I am here to take the place…. of once was your happiness the things you once enjoyed to only remind you of what once was could never be… I am a prisoner of this disease….. I look in the mirror and to the horror it’s ME with the evil grin and red eyes …awake or in dream land and can’t escape… what is real what is fake…. this pain is present for Gods sake…. I drop to my knees with nothing left I am done… don’t want to go on…. where did I put the fucking gun…while my head spins sweat pours down me I can’t take this where is the door… I want to run… I want to hide… why don’t I just die… Evilness of this disease why me..should I had even asked….the evil grin and red eyes are back I feel it… it hurts all over ..there is a monster inside of me..it’s Satan… or so I thought……. It’s just me and my pain of this disease …same time same place ..please take me to that happy place…if only for 5 minutes or 10 I will take what relief I can…..I guess that I will just put on that fake azz smile once again…another day another night….a prisoner trapped in my own self a self I have grown to hate……..

I want to thank my Dear friend https://sheldonkleemanartworks.com/

Please check out his amazing work at the above link….He is the reason, inspiration behind this blog post..Without you Mr Sheldon this blog post would not had happened …Thank you from the bottom of my heart…

Suzette

Mr Coffee you suck

Well I just posted a blog about not able to sleep and Fibromyalgia in the post about Fibromyalgia (I do not know how to link them) sorry..But feel free to read it so you know the whole story….

I was stating that I was going to maybe start my day but first make some coffeee

well you see now the fucking coffee maker is not working at all ..I did all the normal things to try to make it work like hit it…smack it… rub it down and called it all kinds of nice names but oh no the fucker still will not work…We have to have coffee in the morning ..we sit at the coffee table and drink our coffee and talk the morning away so what the fuck??!!!!

I even tried to make one out of an old ice tea maker but hell no that did not work at all either ..I did think there was hope since it started to make it and then grounds were pouring into it and the top was over flowing even tho I did not put that much water in it and coffee also started to come out from the back of this ice maker…I do not think anyone has had as much bad luck with coffee makers than us really I do….Well just put it out there we only have bad luck..that person has a voodoo doll on all of us and when I find out who they are ohhhh the things that I will do to them…………going on 10 years of really fucking bad luck… if I told you everything you all would be in shock for sure..bad , bad luck..FUCK YOU COFFEEEEEE MACHINE …NO GOOD FOR NOTHING …..Mr Coffee you suck as a brand that is for sure!!!!!!…Now how to tell the guys that the coffee machine is broke and another fucking fact it is not even a year old the mother fucker……

I can tell how my day is going to go… But I will do my best not to let it win.. I will do what I do best and hang the fuck in there………………………..

Insomnia+Fibromyalgia- You so mean I hate you!!

well hello Insomnia why yes I am still up and awake… You do know that I have a full day in town tomorrow the Dr wants some test on my neck done things like MRI,CT you know fun shitt…Dad has blood work to be done as well we have to stop over to his Dr office for a minute then we have to go to the bank make some bills out before we leave and drop them off and um my desk looks like a damn Texas Tornado hit it ….NO JOKE!!!

Since my Fibromyalgia started to peak its ugly mean azz head out I have not been able to do much in keeping things organized like my desk things like that so things have been put on hold as it got worse …I knew it was coming but I was still trying to get things done but with brain fog and shitt it just was not going to happen today Shitt I already feel like calling the MRI place and make it for another day but you all know with chronic illnesses you are not sure when you will feel up to doing something and I really need to get dad his blood work and bank and blah,blah lol….

I have taken my bedtime medication like a good girl um that first dose was around 9pm and I laid in bed and just laying down caused pain I did try for longer than I could really stand hell my feet were going back and forth since I was agitated so I got up out of bed..around 11pm I took my last dose of sleeping medication (I start with the lowest dose first) and well again here I am AWAKE!!!..WOOHOO!!!..Even the pain from my pj’s cause discomfort I am thinking about taking a low dose of Prednesone (I know I spelled that wrong)( aka the bitch pill)also that will keep you up as well.. but fuck at this point I do not care the pain in my back is killing me since I have been up so long I am about ready to take a half of a pain pill but usually never have one after 4ish or 5ish pm every once in a while laying down helps with the pain of that but looks like that is not an option now does it lol..

So here I am still awake thinking about starting my day .. Make some coffeeee (I wish coffee gave me energy) then take a shower and with that brings more pain at times since the water hitting my skin hurts but at least I would not have to do it tomorrow and I could get most of my hair dry lol so I could undo my hair and I wanted to play with my makeup so I thought about wearing some for the day out but would not put that one till around 10:00am or so (I like no look makeup on myself) it differs with the plans of course and I do not wear makeup everyday at all… I could make some noise and make out a few checks that have to be drop off and paid tomorrow and make some deposit slips and things like that ( I believe and hope that I still have a desk somewhere under all this mess) SO NOT ME…everything has a place so this bothers me to no end…

We may get home by 5pm I have to be at my appointment at 1pm and I told the guys that I would cut their hair when we got back home and with my fibro and pain and no sleep oohhh hell I think it just might be a day from hell and I DO NOT WANT TO COME HOME AND LAY DOWN AND SCREW MY SYSTEM UP EVEN MORE!!!!…..We all know how one feels when they have not slept in many hours “loopy” and yuck I do not want to be that way….

Well it is 5:10AM…. and my pain level is a hard 10 : (  I think that I will start the coffeeeee and take my morning medications and take a shower or bath..nah shower this time …

What helps you sleep when you have nights like this? or weeks like this?? and relief from spasm all on my back ?  Any advice anyone? Insomnia,Fibromyalgia and lupus and chronic pain all the invisible illnesses … The ones people look you in the eye and can not see the rough shape that one is in or tell the fake smile from a real smile from you..the silent disease that makes us scream at the top of our lungs but only to be heard in our own brains……

4/11/16