Tag Archives: depression

Broken…

Body numb…

Heart cold…

A soul split in half…

Mirrored image…

Fragmented pieces…

Shattered on the floor…

Words spoken…

Promises broken…

And so am I…mirror

Photo… Google…

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Fighting another day!!!…

I hate these kind of days…

I just feel the pain and haze…

Is it all worth it???…to fight for another day???…

I am just so tired of the fight to get up …the pain when even laying down…no comfort zone near…

Do you hear me???…do you understand me???…

We are on the same team … the same side… fighting a fight of time…fighting a fight where most often we all always look fine… while your body insides are dying off…

No cure in sight …

Just take another pill…but the side effects may kill…

Is your fate sealed like a kiss from a poison widow???…I guess we all have a date with death its in our will…it is our destination …it is where we are going …where we are all headed…

No matter how much we fight we have to wonder if there is really light at the end of the tunnel…

Heaven …yes I believe…

Hell… yes I believe…

I don’t want to fathom the thought of hell…maybe here being on earth is the hell that is spoken of???…

Only God can tell…

I am tired…tired of many things …

But loving all of you on here is not one of them…

Texas…Rain…

Since here in HOTT AZZ Texas everyone may have been seeing that we have been getting so much rain..Getting hit very hard with this rain and more rain and did I mention RAIN!!!??? and some areas are or have been flooding some people have lost everything my heart goes out to those people it really does…It would break my heart to have ruin pictures things like that…

The last two years it has been this way rain, rain and more rain and flooding at this time of year so I thought since I have rain on my brain I would play some of my tunes that has …Yup you guessed it rain in them…

The first one is my man Tiesto it’s an older song but I seem to like it better than the newer musik he has been putting out…… ANYWAYS IT’S GOOD MUSIK AND YOU NEED A BREAK ANYWAYS..SO JUST DO DUE IT!!!LOL

Side note..It has not rained as of yet today so that is the good side of things..I wanted to add more videos but nope can’t do that so these are the two for now…Hope you enjoy : )

If it rains and we were together I will always share my umbrella (Well if I could find it)lol but I love the rain so I would probably just give you the umbrella ….Have a wonderful day and let it rain down on you…

 

Here is Eurythmics so much talent as a group or on her own…

Die Devil Die…

Just as you plan your day and feel ok all hell breaks loose as I fall to your bed and crumble in a ball your brain overloaded…. sensors going off as I just want to jump off….Don’t get to close to the edge…. I just might… .take a leap a leap of faith maybe today maybe tomorrow all of this sorrow all this pain will fade away as I pray to take it away…As I sit and wait to get on the sea saw of life it all starts again….. like Satan with an evil grin ..I return while you are awake I return as you try to sleep with evil laughter he states I won’t give you breaks only give you possibility of more than you can take… again evil nights evil days same time same place…. I am here to take the place…. of once was your happiness the things you once enjoyed to only remind you of what once was could never be… I am a prisoner of this disease….. I look in the mirror and to the horror it’s ME with the evil grin and red eyes …awake or in dream land and can’t escape… what is real what is fake…. this pain is present for Gods sake…. I drop to my knees with nothing left I am done… don’t want to go on…. where did I put the fucking gun…while my head spins sweat pours down me I can’t take this where is the door… I want to run… I want to hide… why don’t I just die… Evilness of this disease why me..should I had even asked….the evil grin and red eyes are back I feel it… it hurts all over ..there is a monster inside of me..it’s Satan… or so I thought……. It’s just me and my pain of this disease …same time same place ..please take me to that happy place…if only for 5 minutes or 10 I will take what relief I can…..I guess that I will just put on that fake azz smile once again…another day another night….a prisoner trapped in my own self a self I have grown to hate……..

I want to thank my Dear friend https://sheldonkleemanartworks.com/

Please check out his amazing work at the above link….He is the reason, inspiration behind this blog post..Without you Mr Sheldon this blog post would not had happened …Thank you from the bottom of my heart…

Suzette

Married 59 years without knowing love

This really upset me and I didn’t know if I should share or not. I left out most of the drama and somethings that really did not fit this post at this time or the point of this….

My dad got a phone call last night from his oldest brother Bernard and his wife Jeanette. Bernard is the oldest of the boys and in the family they had 11 kids with dad being the youngest. They grew up very dedicated I mean dedicated catholic family.

Anyways dad spoke with Bernard for a while and he was ready to rest so Jeanette wanted to speak with dad like they always do so Jeanette told my dad that she would call dad back after she got Bernard to bed since she is taking full total care of him by herself at the age of 87.

Bernard had another knee operation back on 3-22-2015 and did not follow orders and the Dr all of them told him that he would have problems as the same if he does not follow orders and do what they say. So here we are again he has the operation and they set up physical therapy, nurses coming in 3 times a day with therapy well that lasted a week with him he would not do anything and told them all to leave and never come back so his Dr called Bernard and asked what is going on his reply was I AM NOT DOING IT.. I DO NOT NEED IT the Dr and Jeanette pleaded with him but both got yelled at so that was the end of treatment..

He walks with a walker and has trouble bending his knee (his fault) he just drags his leg when he walks. He does nothing at all at ALL he expects to be waited on at all times by Jeanette.

they had 12 kids together and only one who is getting everything when Bernard passes is the oldest is Albert this has the rest of all the kids very pissed off and Jeanette pissed as well. Albert is the only one to visit them and if you speak on the phone to Bernard this is the only kid he talks about..

Jeanette took total care of her mother that she had move in with them at the time till her passing she has always been a very hard worker she did it all like they had to back in the day.

Jeanette calls dad back and she is in tears she is so tired of being the only one that Bernard will let take care of him and she feels all alone with no help at all. She has to wash him everyday from head to toe and dress him and sometimes feed him she has to stand behind him while he sometimes walks to the bathroom she has to pull his pants down and lift him back up and put the pants together for the most part at times he will just pee on himself. REMEMBER he is ABLE to do all this on his own!!!!.. He just can not bend his knee that is it! a few family members have tried to have a talk with him without any luck except getting yelled at and or kicked out or both.

Well Jeanette and dad keep talking and after about 15 minutes dad comes into my room and dad said that he just heard the most upsetting thing he has ever heard from them. Dad said Jeanette told him after 59 years of being married that Bernard has never once told her that he loves her!!!!!! NEVER ONCE.. she told dad even when they were younger spitting out kids that he never told her. she has even told family members and she found out that he never has told any of the kids that he loved them either except Albert the favorite one. Even my other Aunt went to talk to him and got the old stare down with evil in his eyes like his father used to do.

I do not know why she has lived this long with him? I think it maybe do to being very into catholic and going against the bible with a divorce Jeanette still goes to church she walks everyday and on Sunday. I know the bible said in marriage in sickness and in health but he has never told her that he loves her!! this so bothers me!!! It hurts me to know this she is one of 3 people who I looked up to heck I remember being at her house and she would be doing it all and sitting in her chair hand sewing socks for all the kids and going with her to 4 different grocery stores with coupons for the cheapest deals she did it all and now has to take total care of him for him being lazy and able and NO LOVE….

She Jeanette is the only one that sends a card to my dad since August when he had his major operation that he is still having trouble with and healing. He told Jeanette you send me a card all the time and I love it.  she said I will always send you a card every week and she continues to do so and it really makes my dad so happy..

How to live 59 years without knowing love?

I feel like I should or can do something but I’m not sure if I am allowed to know this information at all.

Dad has no idea what to tell her when she calls again if she brings it up again like she has. You can tell she is hurting inside and out it is weighing on her not only not being or shown love for a lifetime but taking care of him when he is able to but will not!!!…

Any ideas on what I could do to cheer her up (without talking to her) What would you do if this was you? or your family? What are the thoughts going  on in that head of you reading this? please share with me.

I feel blessed to have the family that I do 🙂 and the friends I have made on here and the followers I have.. all have been wonderful to me and patient with me while I deal with my illnesses/health and my dad and the very stressful times that we are having . so I thank you all from the bottom of my heart….things will get better oh and to a special someone “dude”  I’m back bitches lol love suzyQ

So please thoughts on this are all welcome 🙂

Life is to short to not experience the highs and lows of love..

Suzette