Tag Archives: anxiety

Die Devil Die…

Just as you plan your day and feel ok all hell breaks loose as I fall to your bed and crumble in a ball your brain overloaded…. sensors going off as I just want to jump off….Don’t get to close to the edge…. I just might… .take a leap a leap of faith maybe today maybe tomorrow all of this sorrow all this pain will fade away as I pray to take it away…As I sit and wait to get on the sea saw of life it all starts again….. like Satan with an evil grin ..I return while you are awake I return as you try to sleep with evil laughter he states I won’t give you breaks only give you possibility of more than you can take… again evil nights evil days same time same place…. I am here to take the place…. of once was your happiness the things you once enjoyed to only remind you of what once was could never be… I am a prisoner of this disease….. I look in the mirror and to the horror it’s ME with the evil grin and red eyes …awake or in dream land and can’t escape… what is real what is fake…. this pain is present for Gods sake…. I drop to my knees with nothing left I am done… don’t want to go on…. where did I put the fucking gun…while my head spins sweat pours down me I can’t take this where is the door… I want to run… I want to hide… why don’t I just die… Evilness of this disease why me..should I had even asked….the evil grin and red eyes are back I feel it… it hurts all over ..there is a monster inside of me..it’s Satan… or so I thought……. It’s just me and my pain of this disease …same time same place ..please take me to that happy place…if only for 5 minutes or 10 I will take what relief I can…..I guess that I will just put on that fake azz smile once again…another day another night….a prisoner trapped in my own self a self I have grown to hate……..

I want to thank my Dear friend https://sheldonkleemanartworks.com/

Please check out his amazing work at the above link….He is the reason, inspiration behind this blog post..Without you Mr Sheldon this blog post would not had happened …Thank you from the bottom of my heart…

Suzette

How To Prepare A Trip To Dallas…The Best Way I Can!!!…

How to prepare a trip to Dallas… The best way I can!!!…

  • The good points…
  • It’s supposed to be nice
  • The drive is pretty
  • The glass / mirror buildings shine bright in the sun
  • Nighttime the buildings light up
  • The skyline

I will not be driving (best part)…

I will pick out my outfit tonight and have it ready to go and take my shower (who am I kidding) I will get my clothes ready in the morning and no you can not watch me shower 😉 …

No need to set any alarms since I am one that wakes at all different times during the night and usually up very early…

When I wake with coffee in hand I will sit there and enjoy it while I tell myself this trip is going to be fun… At this time I will take my Xanax as directed (if needed) along with my morning medications. I will remind myself again to breath and I’m blessed to have a wonderful man driving me to the big city of Dallas. He is a professional driver with a CDL he has been in a big truck since he was able to walk also he has been all around the USA in all types of weather so it’s not him I’m worried about at all…It’s the idiots out doing there so-called driving or what they think is driving (this in its self that drives my anxiety through the roof)!!! The ones that want you to hit them so they get paid hell all the signs heading to Dallas are “have you been in an accident or injured call us we will get you the money you so deserved…I’m not a sue happy person sure I know things happen but when it is just stupid on their part or just for the cash then NO!.. Accidents happen but it doesn’t mean we always have to sue the person. My man will see me get scared and his saying is ” worry when you see me worry” so I usually try that and it does work he just drives in his own grove and let the asswipes do what they do…

Rough Road Ahead
Rough Road Ahead

My appointment is at a not so bad time to be driving in Dallas (if such a time exist)

I will start getting ready get dressed I do have to do my make up sitting down since I can’t stand very long (but hey if that’s the worst part then A-OK)… I do have to do my hair and it’s past my waist almost below my but it’s natural curly but needs to be cut bad it’s not curly looking when it’s like this so most of the time I do it straight but either way to stand THAT LONG KILLS ME!!!…PAIN really sets in!!!..I will have to take breaks for sure…then the usual brush teeth blah, blah,blah… My make up is hard at times to do when my hands start to shake so that is always fun (I really don’t want to look like a clown) or do I… just depends on the mood I’m in 😉

We have at least a 65 mile one way trip ahead of us so we do make the best of it… I tell myself I can do this… just have faith…well I do have a lot of faith for sure but how my anxiety gets the best of me and one would think that I was the one driving after all.. so I’m blessed very blessed in many ways and not driving there is one great blessing…The fact too is that we have to do this trip every month so it is nothing new at all to me or us…most of my doctors are all located in Dallas so should be a piece of cake oh (cake sounds good about now) or pecan pie I will take both please… My anxiety has just been getting more frequent I think stress is playing a major factor in this either way I hate it…

So after make up on and yes sunscreen under it as well as all body parts exposed to the sun (all is covered) I even bring a jacket just in case… with lupus the doctor doesn’t even want my desk by the window.  My lupus is pretty advanced (we will talk about that and other health in another blog at a later time) I’m just trying to be more proactive about my health then I have in the past so I’m learning the hard way but at least I try my best at all that I do…

Well drinking water by now and going easy on it since we all know how bathrooms at gas stations can be YUCK!.. you know the kind where you don’t dare sit on the seat and you flush it with your foot ..yeah some are not the best. I could use a catheter at times but for the most part we do stop at the nicer ones if needed…

Before I leave I give dad his medication and tell him what time to take it and sit it on the bar for him and tell him I will call when his next medications are due and for him to call me for anything he needs.  I have been taking care of my dad for over 3 years since he got hurt I haven’t been home but one time since then and boy I do miss home(more on that later)…we have friends that will stop over while we are gone to check on him as well for us…

well I get all that is needed for my appointment and at this time I would grab my purse but you see we rescue dogs we work with a few agency’s that try to find forever homes for such wonderful dogs that would be put to sleep if we didn’t help (yes, more on that later) can’t wait to share with you the love they bring!!!!…but as I was saying about my purse well the one rescue dog chewed it up like it was candy and I don’t have another purse here but the look on her little face was priceless and all I could say is why oh WHY??? of all things this little one could have gotten into but NO it had to be that….my favorite purse…..

Dallas is nice as I pointed out above and then some but my town is here and my home is here out in the country I don’t miss the city life at all. I am looking forward to getting out of the house for a while and having private time with my guy since we don’t get any private time here at my dads home so we do enjoy the ride for the most part I just wish it was under better circumstances than going to the doctor’s office every month sometimes I have 2 doctors to see in one day there they do run me through the mill with blood work you name it they do it just to stay on top of everything and I am thankful to my wonderful doctors they all are great and caring..

I will do my best not to watch the idiots on the road and I will try to keep my cuss count down as well on this trip. I just want to try  and enjoy it the best I can and get there and back here safe. I do wish all drivers on the road a safe trip to and from where ever they may be going….

I just wanted to share what my day was going to be like…

Also do you get nervous during traffic and/ or doctors appointments?? … If so how do you handle it??…

anxiety how do you deal with it??…

what is your day like??…

OK …I will be posting more than I have in the past..as much as I can… A thank you to all my new followers… brings a smile to my face now chime in on here and speak your mind….

Until next time my friends smile you are all loved…

xoxo Suzette…

safety first buckle up
safety first
buckle up