Anxiety, blogging, Life, Poems, Ramblings, Rants, & WTF

Die Devil Die…

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Just as you plan your day and feel ok all hell breaks loose as I fall to your bed and crumble in a ball your brain overloaded…. sensors going off as I just want to jump off….Don’t get to close to the edge…. I just might… .take a leap a leap of faith maybe today maybe tomorrow all of this sorrow all this pain will fade away as I pray to take it away…As I sit and wait to get on the sea saw of life it all starts again….. like Satan with an evil grin ..I return while you are awake I return as you try to sleep with evil laughter he states I won’t give you breaks only give you possibility of more than you can take… again evil nights evil days same time same place…. I am here to take the place…. of once was your happiness the things you once enjoyed to only remind you of what once was could never be… I am a prisoner of this disease….. I look in the mirror and to the horror it’s ME with the evil grin and red eyes …awake or in dream land and can’t escape… what is real what is fake…. this pain is present for Gods sake…. I drop to my knees with nothing left I am done… don’t want to go on…. where did I put the fucking gun…while my head spins sweat pours down me I can’t take this where is the door… I want to run… I want to hide… why don’t I just die… Evilness of this disease why me..should I had even asked….the evil grin and red eyes are back I feel it… it hurts all over ..there is a monster inside of me..it’s Satan… or so I thought……. It’s just me and my pain of this disease …same time same place ..please take me to that happy place…if only for 5 minutes or 10 I will take what relief I can…..I guess that I will just put on that fake azz smile once again…another day another night….a prisoner trapped in my own self a self I have grown to hate……..

I want to thank my Dear friend https://sheldonkleemanartworks.com/

Please check out his amazing work at the above link….He is the reason, inspiration behind this blog post..Without you Mr Sheldon this blog post would not had happened …Thank you from the bottom of my heart…

Suzette

47 thoughts on “Die Devil Die…”

    1. Yes, I believe you…Since I have never wrote from that area of “me” YES I am you can say scared shitt less…all kinds of thoughts at this moment..Toe in cold water you got it for sure…Yikes!!..
      OMG!!! YES please do so ..A big thank you to YOU my friend..This is all because of you…..

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

  2. Reblogged this on Sheldon Kleeman and commented:
    This my good friend and fellow blogger Suzette
    I want everyone to know this is her first time at bat
    This her first writing piece
    I love it
    It’s powerful
    Raw
    And its from the heart
    So without further ado
    Alonso drum roll
    Die Devil Die

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply

    1. OK my dear friend!!
      That in itself is scary but freeing ….
      again thank you so much and I will try and do my best..it’s so freeing ..I know I keep saying that but it is…
      Oh I hope so and believe you maybe right.. ; ) Rock n Roll I love ; )
      Good night and sleep tight ..I will be up for awhile now lol..
      Huggggggggggggggs
      Suzette

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      Reply

  4. Good stuff Suzette! That’s how I often feel too. Being trapped inside one’s own body/mind. Of course , I also appreciate the judicious use of the f-bomb 😉

    I follow Sheldon’s blog. I love it!

    Liked by 4 people

    Reply

    1. Hello Kara gurl!!!
      Thank you so very much!! I appreciate you feedback and honesty …And that you can relate to this as well..I am sorry to hear that too.. But it brings people like us closer right!!?? When we share our battles …Yes trapped and like a ping pong ball going back n forth in the mind of pain..lol..
      Oh yes the F-bomb lmao WELL YOU DO KNOW ME FROM MY ABOUT ME SECTION LMFAO..
      YES I love Sheldon’s blog all to well…He is so FREE and I think that is one reason why I look forward to his post so much it’s honest and how I feel jmo how you can take a blog post from him and read into it different ways and also relate it to ones own life…His art and writings are amazing and I thank him since if it wasn’t for his post I wouldn’t have wrote this post..I owe it to him…
      Hugggggggs
      Suzette

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      1. for sure you will suzette and my pleasure…sheldon draws all the good souls doesn’t he? and he spots the writers souls …you are that babe..peace -alex

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Well I look forward to seeing you around more and learning more about you…
        Sheldon is amazing human (sometimes I wonder if he really is lol) from day one we connected on here and he has been my number 1 fan at just being here as I am here for him as well but nothing compares to his writing and art..I don’t know but some how it brought that out of me..he is a good soul as well..I guess you said it best how he draws all the good souls and brings them together..
        I am learning and it felt so freeing to me to write that piece it really just came off of his post and I just felt it and went with it…
        AW again thank you so kind of you…
        Speak soon and again thanks
        Hugggs
        Suzz

        Liked by 1 person

      6. Hey my dear one…
        Just checking is on ya …it has been awhile on my part at least…getting procedures done and health shitt… just trying my best… so how bout you ???… all I know is its hottttttttttttt here on the back porch its almost 115 … it said 107 lol…
        Hugggs n ♥♥♥
        Suzette

        Liked by 1 person

      7. Hello dear Suzette, gosh that is hot! 🌞 I’ve difficulty over 75. Must be the Scottish part of my English blood lol. I hope the various procedures are helping…? Love and hugs 💙 🌻 🐻 Faith …I wish I’d better pain meds (nothing new there!) Xo

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      8. 111 high today lol…we be meltin… lol …help lol…
        I would love 75 …spring and fall and most of all winter is my favorite…I can not handle the heat even had to cancel a doctors appt for Monday …
        Yeah they are helping just trying to get all the results and some are not nice lol…
        I think we should drink to better pain meds for sure lol..

        Liked by 1 person

      9. I have some pink gin in the fridge. And I rarely drink lol. It’s got strawberries in it apparently…to go with the hot weather! Cheers my friend. Sorry to hear that some of the results aren’t nice. Hope you get some cooler weather. We haven’t had rain in weeks…poor grass and plants 😦

        Liked by 1 person

      10. omg!!!..Gin!!!…I remember being a very underage young gurl working at a house boat resort full time at 16 and the people that rented the houseboat had ice cubes in the freezer with a bottle of GIN….lets just say it was a beautiful day and relaxing while cleaning lol…
        I rarely drink as well…but you have strawberries… sure lets have a drink my dear one…cheers to you as well…

        Liked by 1 person

  7. Write through the darkness and sometimes you’ll find you’re standing in the light surrounded by souls who were waiting all that time to,say welcome, and you’re not alone. Excellent….more…more….😊 Peace and love, Kim

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    1. WOW Kim!!!! You are so very right and so true gurl!! I believe that you are on to something about not being alone..The more open I get the more I see and feel not alone..
      I love what you said above..”Write through the darkness and sometimes you’ll find you’re standing in the light surrounded by souls who were waiting all that time to,say welcome, and you’re not alone. ” Now that is perfect my dear Kim!!!
      Hugggggs and thank you so much I appreciate your feedback!!
      Suzette

      Liked by 1 person

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      2. Thank you for your kind words..It was scary to do so..that is so true with what you said ..that would be great to touch others and know that no one is ever along.. perfectly said…..thank you for saying that again…
        Huggggs
        Suzette

        Liked by 1 person

  8. I hate that you have to write a piece like this, but so proud that you did! To put all the pain into your writing, I hope has helped, and has encouraged others to not give up, they are not alone. Much love ❤

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  9. First of all…I was supposed to have put your blog on my “must reads” list in the WP Reader, but that must not have happened, because I didn’t see your post there.

    Second, because you did ask for my opinion…oh my goodness Suzette! It’s very good. Sometimes, we have to write out what we feel because what we have inside has to be expressed…it’s brave to put that out in public…but you did that!

    I have fixed the link problem, so I shouldn’t miss your posts from now on. Thanks so much for telling me about this. Thanks for sharing!

    Liked by 1 person

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    1. Aw that’s ok about WP I am having trouble with them as well…I can be typing here like I am and poof it’s gone but at least I don’t loose everything I just have to go back to the person I was leaving a comment with and the writing is still there..go figure..I don’t have any idea why this is happening on here but than again I am still learning about this damn site lol..
      Yes, I did ask….oh I am thankful that you took the time to read it and liked it..It was my first one of writing a piece like that..Yes, I agree with you..I did feel better after writing that for sure…YES, I was scared to do so I thought many things before posting that even deleting it…But again it was so freeing and true and also if it inspires someone to write how they really feel like Sheldon post did for me than all is OK…I believe it does help again it did for me : )
      I thank you again so much for your truth and time my friend..
      Hugggs
      Suzette

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

    1. Wow !!!!
      That is great work you did by adding that so others can add and show off there work….
      I can’t wait to post my lupus blanket…I know it will be a long while but hey that is ok…
      Thank you for the update I appreciate it and please keep me updated…
      I think I will hit the bed…not to sure how that will go but may try …so a happy day for you tomorrow and sweet dreams for you tonight if your not already asleep lol..
      Huggs
      Suzette

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  12. Pingback: The Dragon’s Loyalty Award | A Joyful Process

    1. Oh gurl..I am here for you..I am so sorry that you are hurting so bad and can’t find what you need to help you out…
      Sure I will let you punch me since I feel like I have been punched in the stomach lol…hit me with your best shot..lolol.and fire away…
      I so wished that there was something that I could help you with..WHY MUST WE ALL SUFFER…….IN PAIN…
      And you can’t see any Drs since you smoke??? did they take you off disability for some reason? or you couldn’t get it for some odd reason..
      I want to thank you for checking in on me..The last 3 or so days have been rough sick again in bed but only lasted about 2 days in bed this time so that is good…lupus rash on my face ..but I WILL GET BETTER..just need to look into some new DRs make an appointment to talk to them and closer to home…
      Gurl what am i gonna do with you..your in pain and nothing to help you… : ( I feel helpless in helping you and i worry for your safety gurl…
      Hugggggs
      Suzy Q

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      1. Doctors can’t help me, especially since they will no longer prescribe pain medications for chronic pain. But it’s not like I want to go back to doctors and all that entails. I don’t want to surrender my ability to treat my pain on my own, or the freedom I’ve had since I stopped seeing doctors. (Doctors suck.)

        My safety takes a back seat to treating my pain. It’s always been that way and I don’t see it changing anytime soon. But you have enough to worry about, so don’t worry about me. I’ve survived for 30 years with this pain, and I suppose I’ll keep breathing… in and out… in and out. 🙂

        Let’s hope that we both feel “better” soon. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Hey beautiful gurl!!
        is that just where you live that won’t give you it for chronic pain???
        I hear ya about not wanting to go back to them azzwipes ..It is such a fucking ratt race more paper work this and that drug screens random I don’t care I am usually safe since I do not smoke at this damn time lol….yes they do suck BIG OL HAIRY HOGG BALLZ ….When she took me off one that was no narcotic I didn’t care or say a word then she lowered my patch same thing I didn’t care not a word out of my mouth and like I said I am on the lowest hydro .. I just don’t care at this point even tho that my neck I can’t move it or raise my hands or do much with out this neck pain but make noise and put cream otc medication on it and not helping at all I have used a half a tube already today even some of the spray lol..
        I think I have to keep seeing certian drs for my disability but I am not sure it’s permanent disability ..anyways you can never tell with this dr one time you see her she is talking about her problems and happy and sad and another wanting me to see another dr that could give me stronger pain medications ….and now I need procedures on my neck since the whole neck is really fucked up and will have to have an operation at some point but I don’t think so that scares me to death ..one wrong move and they can’t or at least I think that they can’ promise me less or no pain…and I can not handle more pain and what happens if it’s worse or can’t walk after….hell even the injections scare me at least I am asleep and right now I don’t know what injections she wants to try..I haven’t got that far since she wants to see what is going on in my head…lol don’t many and in hopes to find a damn brain somewhere…lol
        I understand about your safety but gurl I do due do worry about you…I wish you had someone there that you could get it once every week or as often as you need it…and not have to worry or sex …I know that you are independent and strong ..So I will always worry about my gurl… : )
        Does the smoke help with the pain better than medications for you??…
        like I said I am looking around for a good dr hahaaahah that is a funny statement I FUCKING WANT TO BE HEARD AND UNDERSTOOD AND OPTIONS ..You think I like taking chemotherapy that can cause cancer every friday morning when both sides of my family has high breast cancer and colon cancer my grandma had both my cousin had breast my uncle had a form of cancer I can’t remeber now all on my mom side ..not including my dad side….almost all the females have had some form of cancer…for fucks sake and the other medication can cause blindness …I see my eye dr on the 22nd thank god…I am just SICK OF IT ALL….AND ALL THESE DRS….and feeling the way YOU AND I DO DO…
        Damn gurl 30 years and here I complain for over 16 years or so..
        And I just want to go home….my place…but lot’s of work ahead..paint the outside and a few rooms inside and level and and…with our health it is so hard and no help….not one so called friend will help us long story …even with cash to be made..we are going to go thru everything don;t want it sale it or shelters for women and dad wants to get a cabin to butt up agaisnt the home to share water and sewer cheaper…and my god he has a barn full of tools all organized and a shed lol and a house of some really kool things that would go with my home so mix and match lol..I just want it done and over…and not kill us …and depends on how each are feeling too..somedays dad not up to it and other I am not and others dr appt and than better half not..so stressed did I say stressed since it is just us…trying to get all this done lol…
        YES LET’S HOPE THAT WE BOTH START FEELING MUCH BETTER VERY SOON GURL… : ) ; ) ♥♥

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Regarding doctors refusing to prescribe for chronic pain, I don’t think it matters where I live. What matters is that I’m a 30-year pain patient with a 10-year history of taking prescription medications. In other words, I’ve been labeled a drug addict, even though I no longer take these drugs.

        And you’re right, you need to keep seeing doctors if you want to be considered disabled. I lost my long term disability benefits because I couldn’t afford to see a doctor and the insurance company wouldn’t pay for it. It appears insurance companies don’t think you’re disabled unless you’re seeing a doctor.

        No, bud isn’t better for the pain, unless it’s a really strong strain. And those are few and far between.

        I would also be frightened of having the surgery you’re talking about. Surgery is a major trauma on the body, including your nervous system. Maybe if you could find or talk to other patients who’ve had the surgery, it might help you make a decision.

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