Die Devil Die…

Just as you plan your day and feel ok all hell breaks loose as I fall to your bed and crumble in a ball your brain overloaded…. sensors going off as I just want to jump off….Don’t get to close to the edge…. I just might… .take a leap a leap of faith maybe today maybe tomorrow all of this sorrow all this pain will fade away as I pray to take it away…As I sit and wait to get on the sea saw of life it all starts again….. like Satan with an evil grin ..I return while you are awake I return as you try to sleep with evil laughter he states I won’t give you breaks only give you possibility of more than you can take… again evil nights evil days same time same place…. I am here to take the place…. of once was your happiness the things you once enjoyed to only remind you of what once was could never be… I am a prisoner of this disease….. I look in the mirror and to the horror it’s ME with the evil grin and red eyes …awake or in dream land and can’t escape… what is real what is fake…. this pain is present for Gods sake…. I drop to my knees with nothing left I am done… don’t want to go on…. where did I put the fucking gun…while my head spins sweat pours down me I can’t take this where is the door… I want to run… I want to hide… why don’t I just die… Evilness of this disease why me..should I had even asked….the evil grin and red eyes are back I feel it… it hurts all over ..there is a monster inside of me..it’s Satan… or so I thought……. It’s just me and my pain of this disease …same time same place ..please take me to that happy place…if only for 5 minutes or 10 I will take what relief I can…..I guess that I will just put on that fake azz smile once again…another day another night….a prisoner trapped in my own self a self I have grown to hate……..

I want to thank my Dear friend https://sheldonkleemanartworks.com/

Please check out his amazing work at the above link….He is the reason, inspiration behind this blog post..Without you Mr Sheldon this blog post would not had happened …Thank you from the bottom of my heart…

Suzette

IGNORANCE is NOT BLISS..I/WE/US..

“And some people around you only make things worse”….. How TRUE this statement is.. I know when I am at my WORST I try to stay to MYSELF since I could GO OFF at any given moment and I really DON’T want to HURT SOMEONE’S FEELINGS…(I HAVE CONTROL)most of the TIME…. BUT when the PAIN you have is so INTENSE ALL RULES go OUT the DOOR and no matter how HARD you TRY to keep your KOOL you’ve done LOST IT…WE all should KNOW by NOW how PAIN DIFFERS from one PERSON to ANOTHER even WITH the SAME MEDICATIONS..Some people just DON’T GET IT!!! .. that NO good for NOTHING scale they use you know the one with the SMILE face on it.. YEAH WELL Sometimes when I hurt I can still PUT ON that fake azz SMILE ( I am good at that) & I’m sure others are just as good at it too…At times..I/WE/US.. have to be…
But other times if one could really hear the SCREAMS that are going on in my HEAD and how ALONE I feel PHYSICALLY,MENTALLY it EFFECTS the WHOLE BODY and know that I am doing EVERYTHING to FIGHT BACK the TEARS and knowing I would LIKE to BREAK things or BANG my HEAD AGAINST a BRICK WALL !!!… I sometimes JUST CRY in the shower that way no one can tell (being wet) or when I wash my face in the morning/night OH I just got SOAP in my eyes…. I’m LUCKY to have a SUPPORT system like I have…MANY DON’T….. I CAN CRY,SCREAM,SHOUT and just be QUITE if I NEED…..THEY are here for ME….
I remember when SO CALLED FAMILY would ask how I was doing(THEY NEVER CALLED ME or ASKED ME..THEY would ASK my MOM) HOW NICE HUH??!!. WE are HAPPY to HAVE THEM ALL OUT of OUR LIFE!!!…..If ANYONE TELLS ME that EVERYTHING is OK or it’s NOT THAT BAD and it will PASS or it’s ALL IN YOUR HEAD that you can’t BE that SICK and in PAIN ALL THE TIME or well you TAKE pain MEDICATION that should be ENOUGH!!..( I WILL BASH HEADS TOGETHER!!!!)…I GET this ALL the TIME from IGNORANT/CLUELESS HEARTLESS/MOTHERFUCKERS >>>> I know IF I TOOK what YOUR taking I WOULD be KNOCKED OUT and PASSED out IN BED… So YOUR SITTING here so it must NOT be THAT BAD….I/WE/US>>> NEED to GET RID of the NEGATIVE ONES IN OUR LIFE!!..THEY are the ONES that MAKE things WORSE..THEY wear ROSE COLORED SUNGLASSES so that EVERYTHING THEY SEE is FINE (IN the WORLD THEY LIVE IN)and try to put FORTH LIES about OUR LIFE SAYING I’m NOT ILL..or WE are NOT ILL…..I/WE/US NEED to GET RID OF these NARROW minded PEOPLE…Ones like these ARE NOT worth HAVING IN and AROUND US..I have LEARNED that these PEOPLE and MANY others are almost the LEAST EDUCATED/BIG AZZ DUMB FUCKERS(or in short what I call them( DFers) when it comes to INVISIBLE CHRONIC ILLNESSES but THEY THINK that THEY are the MOST EDUCATED …What BREAKS MY HEART is that YOU tell them what all YOU have and all THEY say is OH (SHOWING THEY DON’T CARE) told MANY to LOOK it UP on the INTERNET!!..And I get I will LATER) I know THIS NEVER happens SINCE when WE would see or THEY call mom THEY would ASK HER>>>WHATS wrong with SUZETTE HOW CAN SHE STILL BE ILL>>like a FUCKING RECORD PLAYER…if THEY TAKE the TIME to LOOK up the INFORMATION that was told in the first place THEY WOULD KNOW..

IGNORANCE IS NOT BLISS……….

ALSO:….
I/WE/US>>> CAN’T JUDGE one persons chronic PAIN level with ANOTHER persons chronic pain level or PAIN in general EVERYONE FEELS PAIN DIFFERENTLY as well as others RESPOND DIFFERENT to it. What WORKS for ONE person may NOT work FOR the OTHER or as well as the other but SAME MEDICATION again everyone response differently to pain and medications given out…..
So with all these INVISIBLE CHRONIC ILLNESSES out in OUR world TRY hard NOT to JUDGE ..when you THINK you see a PERFECTLY fine person getting OUT of the CAR that is PARKED in the HANDICAPPED space JUST try to REMEMBER they ALSO maybe SUFFERING in SILENCE……LIKE… I….WE…US…

ALSO:…. I/WE/US>>> have ENOUGH NEGATIVE  PEOPLE and THINGS that go ON IN OUR LIFE ..LETS BRING IN MORE POSITIVE and LEAVE the NEGATIVE GARBAGE for TRASH DAY..

 

 

May is Lupus Awareness Month

imageslupusI believe this is great information… but I feel like it’s cold and just touching the surface… Wanted to share anyways… I did not write this I just wanted to share as this Lupus kicks my unhappy azz everyday…..I still look forward to each day in hope that tomorrow will be better…As always I hang in there the best I know how…Also I have the organ threatening lupus ..Anyways I hope this can shed some light to a caregiver or a loved one or just anyone…

 

http://www.lupus.org/action/lupus-awareness-month-facts

Lupus Awareness Month Facts

Lupus Awareness Month is observed during May to increase public understanding of this cruel and mysterious disease that ravages different part of the body. Spread the word and share these facts on your Facebook and Twitter.

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May 1. Lupus is an unpredictable, chronic autoimmune disease that ravages different parts of the body.

May 2. In lupus, something goes wrong with the immune system, the part of the body that fights off viruses, bacteria, and germs. The result is the production of autoantibodies that cause inflammation.

May 3. Ninety percent of the people who develop lupus are women, though men can also develop lupus and their disease can affect some organs more severely.

May 4. Most often, lupus develops between ages 15 and 44.  However, between 10 and 20 percent of cases develop during childhood and these cases can evolve into serious health complications more rapidly.

May 5. African Americans, Hispanics/Latinos, Asians and Pacific Islanders, and Native Americans are diagnosed with lupus two or three times more frequently than Caucasians; however, lupus affects people of all races and ethnicities.

May 6. Lupus is not contagious and cannot be “given” to another person.

May 7. To make a lupus diagnosis, doctors evaluate a patient’s current symptoms, lab test results, personal medical history and family medical history.

May 8. Lupus can affect any organ system of the body, including the heart, kidneys, lungs, blood, joints and skin.

May 9. The malar, or “butterfly” rash on the face is present in an estimated one-third of people with lupus. This flat, reddish rash across the bridge of the nose and cheeks often is the only outward symptom of lupus (though other signs and symptoms might be present).

May 10. Though all pregnancies of women with lupus are considered “high risk”, advancing technology and a better understanding of the disease have improved pregnancy outcomes. Today, 80 percent of women with lupus symptoms that are not active can have successful pregnancies.

May 11. Lupus is not a form of arthritis, but many people with lupus do suffer from joint and/or muscle pain

May 12. Among people with lupus that affects the skin, poor mental health is common and has been found to be similar or worse than mental health among those with type 2 diabetes, recent heart attack, heart failure and high blood pressure.

May 13. People with lupus have two times the risk of developing cardiovascular disease than do people without lupus.

May 14. Nearly 3 in 4 people with lupus surveyed (76 percent) said fatigue limits their ability to participate in social activities.

May 15. An estimated 1.5 million Americans and 5 million people worldwide are living with lupus.

May 16. Factors that may trigger a lupus flare include infections, ultraviolet light, stress, some medications, environment with some still unknown.

May 17. Many symptoms of lupus imitate those of other illnesses, and can come and go over time, making diagnosis difficult.
Week 4

May 18. Based on a recent study, it takes an average of six years for people with lupus to be diagnosed from the time they first notice their lupus symptoms.

May 19. A majority of people with lupus surveyed (63 percent) report being incorrectly diagnosed. Of those reporting an incorrect diagnosis, more than half of them (55 percent) report seeing four or more different health care providers for their lupus symptoms before being accurately diagnosed.

May 20. First degree relatives of people with lupus (parent, sibling or child) have six times the risk of developing the disease.

May 21. Sensitivity to ultraviolet light (present in both sunlight and artificial light) affects as many as two thirds of individuals with lupus, and may cause fever, debilitating fatigue, joint pain, rashes and other symptoms.

May 22. Of the 23 percent of people with lupus who experience severe lupus flares, all or most of the time over the last three months, 40 percent were admitted to the hospital at least once during the past 12 months, with an average stay of 10.5 days.

May 23. 40 percent of adults with lupus and as many as 66% of all children with lupus will develop kidney complications.

May 24. Almost three-quarters (74 percent) of caregivers report that caring for someone with lupus has an impact on their work productivity.

May 25. More than half (55 percent) of people with lupus surveyed whose work is affected are working part-time, intermittently or are unemployed because of lupus.

May 26. People with lupus usually are encouraged to engage in appropriate daily exercise to maintain muscle and bone strength, but they also need to balance exercise with rest.

May 27. On average, the annual cost of lupus, including expenses related to treatment and loss of productivity, exceed $20,000, and can increase to $63,000 if the kidneys are involved.

May 28. People with lupus take on average nearly eight prescription medications to manage all of their medical conditions including lupus.

May 29.  About half of all people with lupus will experience a serious infection during the course of their disease.

May 30. As many as 60 percent of people with lupus will experience some type of memory problem, such as recalling names, dates and appointments or balancing a checkbook.

May 31. With current methods of therapy, 80 to 90 percent of people with non-organ threatening lupus can look forward to having the same lifespan as people without lupus.  (I also have this one…)

Again I did not write this…

The Smiley Thumb Award

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The Smiley Thumb Award

The following are rules for the Smiley Thumb Award:

*Include the photo of the Smiley Thumb Award

*Thank the person who nominated you. Provide a link to their blog.

*Tell us what makes you smile.

*Nominate as many bloggers as you’d like.

*Include these rules in your post.

 

 

I want to thank  Lisa A.  She is such a wonderful and an amazing girl..

What makes me smile. Good Musik of course…My bf and dad.. The many wonderful and amazing people on here that I wish I knew if real life…The early morning and late night.

My nominees for the Smiley Thumb Award are the following bloggers:

Element Healing

All Things Chronic

ghostmmnc

the15thday

Sheldon Kleeman